I know this feeling well….it reminds me of mornings when I would drop off my husband as he was setting out on his deployments when he served all those years in the Navy.
In a little bit, our day will start…I will get out of bed, shower and start fixing breakfast. It is the first day of school, so I probably won’t have to wake them today…the little one is a little nervous to be starting first grade and the older one is excited to see his friends again. As a fifth grader, he is “ruler of the school”.
I will make lunches and pack them up. Tim will sneak away from work and come see them both get on the bus. I will kiss them goodbye and tell them I love them and will pray the sun is out so I don’t look foolish for wearing sunglasses. I will fight back any tears until the bus is out of sight. Tim will put his arm around my shoulder and give me a sideways hug and then head back to work. I will head back into the house…alone. And that is the feeling of which I speak. Immediate aloneness.
Today I will just be, accepting the change to our days and being grateful that it is only hours and not months until I see them again. I will find my grove tomorrow and start developing my new routine then. Today…is today.
I never had a tradition when Tim would leave, each departure was different. In turn, I don’t have a tradition for the first day of school. I have one friend who takes a long, warm bath on the first day of school. Another friend shares a beer with her friend on Skype. For a few years when TJ first started school, I met some fellow moms for lunch or breakfast. But as our kids have grown older, some went back to work, some went for a run…a tradition never stuck. Maybe I need a tradition.
I have plenty to keep me busy today; a call to my mom, a trip to the bank, dogs to walk, emails to write….all things to help the new routine take shape. I’m never without plenty to do, but today is today and I don’t need to accomplish all I didn’t over the summer by 3pm.
Today is today…I’m happy, proud, sad, nervous, excited, anxious and watching the clock all in one. They drive me crazy, just yesterday they got in trouble. I ran out of creative energy by mid-August. We’ve watched too many movies and played too many video games these last couple of weeks. They’re in need of school, of the routine and to fill those brains up. I’m ready too.
But today I will miss them.