My husband called me one afternoon back in January, asking if I’d like to join him on a business trip to Hawaii. I could join him in his hotel, we could use the rental car and I could lounge by the pool or on the beach while he went to work. The cost involved would be minimal. After a few minutes of quickly figuring out the details, I said yes.
So we made our arrangements; I told my boss my plans, we arranged for my mother-in-law to fly out and watch our two sons and I started counting down the days!
And that day arrived. My MIL had come a couple of days before, she was settled, the boys were excited for her to be here. I had all the notes and schedules printed out, I had a medical power-of-attorney lined up…I was set to go.
Tim was already in Hawaii and I was to fly out to join him.
I got the kids off to school the morning of my departure, I wrapped up a few details for work and home before heading out.
I boarded the plane, said hi to my row mates and got settled in for the flight.
The minute we pulled away…
The minute we pulled away from gate, tears started streaming down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, they kept falling. I tried biting my lip to make them stop, they kept coming.
I was filled with this unexpected sense of longing for my boys to be with me, I wasn’t even off the runway and I missed them terribly.
When I arrived in Hawaii and found my husband, he was surprised by my admission of feelings. He travels a lot, so he is used to being away from home. I have traveled a couple of times alone since my kids have been born, so I too have been away from them.
Even though I knew my kids were home, safe and having fun with Grandma (and I totally trust her, I felt no concerns on that front), Tim and I had never been away from them together. And I guess my heart didn’t like that.
The first morning after my arrival, Tim Facetimed with his mom and my younger son. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. Just hearing Joey’s voice made me tear up. I didn’t want him to see me upset, so Tim told him I was in the shower and would talk with him later.
Over the course of the week, it got a little better. But it wasn’t quite the vacation in paradise I had imagined. I had a hard time relaxing; thoughts of work and looming projects hung over me. I continued to miss the boys and would see things at every turn that I knew they would enjoy. I tried to relax and just couldn’t let go…..
I was in Hawaii having a miserable time.
I know what you are thinking. PATHETIC! SPOILED! First world problems.
….but also reality.
Trust me, I was disappointed in myself. Here I was, in paradise. In the middle of a yucky winter. Where at home it was raining and cold, here I was wearing flip-flops and sunglasses. My kids were safe and I was with my husband. And yet, I couldn’t enjoy it.
So I decided….
So I decided to never to allow myself these feelings again.
I got home and I vowed to change things.
This is one of the reasons I haven’t written much this year. I’ve been working on myself.
The disappointment of my trip to Hawaii has haunted me. I feel guilty for not being able to embrace the moment. I regret not being able to let go and relax.
Over the last few months, I’ve been working on making some changes; enjoying the everyday moments, seeing things for what they are, attempting to “roll with it”. Some attempts have been successful. I’m still working on things though. It is a work in progress, for sure.
As the season turns into Autumn, I’m feeling stronger. I’m noticing my efforts are making a difference. I’m getting there.
Have you ever gone on a vacation and had a miserable time? Please share with me your experience, I can’t be the only pathetic one….